The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
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[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
True
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)