The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
You Might Also Like
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.