The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Is this you?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*