“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
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If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
When he asks for feet pics
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.