“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
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Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Sniffing the broccoli
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.