Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

As the Lord intended

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

According to math, I’m broke

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: