Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.