My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.