The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels