The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
thanks auntie mary
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Real House Wines.