Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.