The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
A Monday every week is excessive
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
