The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I didn’t know they can drive…
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?