Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.