Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana