The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Autocorrect completely socks
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.