The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
john wicks are toilet candles
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
