The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
at ease…shoulder.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren