The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards