The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

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Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.


[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?


When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power


Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.


[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight


Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.


My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.