The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.