Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT??
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.