*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
*puts up window and drives away
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
pilot: we’re about to crash
pilot: this wedding
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Its not pretty being easy.
me: you wanna hang out later?
her: sorry i don’t talk to guys who are under 6’
me: please mom i miss you