The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
