The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
