The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Same post same
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My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.