The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
You Might Also Like
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Well, that didn’t work.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead