The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
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My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah