The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
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4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
ugh not again
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Breaking news:
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.