The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
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wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Clients after you give them your rates
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Lmao
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
seems like a niche market
Noted.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.