The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.