Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

welp

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

This guy’s not having it 😆

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh