The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
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[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”