Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?