The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”