Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl