The biggest mystery of our time
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*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
“You drive, I’m tired.”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
same but as an audience member