Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

They did not think through this water fountain

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy