The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.