Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!