The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
More like Kate Missington.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling