Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

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