The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair