Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

Banana is the quietest snack

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.