The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The “baby” on the left….
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
i hope my email finds you on fire
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Goodnight 🐶
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back