the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
