The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
You Might Also Like
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.