The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Feels
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday