The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin