Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

boys are so easy to impress

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me