The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Jogging
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired