The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.