Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

Happy Caturday!

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Happy Friday