Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

March 16

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine