The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.