The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
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My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Order here:
More here:
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions