The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
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Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.