The Birdles
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
😆this is so true
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer