The Birdles
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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…