The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.