The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!