The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
When your man makes a valid point
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
no one likes gloating