@Fickle_Filly

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

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@leslid79

1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE

@IAmKashWah

*outside my house*
– Don’t let them know you have Clifford
– Hey you must really like red your whole first floor is red, and barks?
– Damn

@LurkAtHomeMom

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

@kirkfox

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

@abitofjoie

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

@EtobicokeErnie

Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?

@DanMentos

“Hello, 911”
Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
what
“Gotta hear both sides”

@jaronmyers

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

@daddydoubts

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.