You Might Also Like
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.