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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Breaking news:
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
