*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
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I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines