*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
You Might Also Like
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
playing pool? you mean swimming?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
*swipes right on my hand mirror
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs