The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.

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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.


The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.


My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.


Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?


Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.


I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.


Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS



RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*


WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.