The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.

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Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.


[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over


*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*


You ever notice Waldo is always smiling in the books?
That’s cause no one knows where he is and he’s happy as hell.


“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam to Eve on their wedding night


If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.


My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.


CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.