Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
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We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Bed should get ready for ME
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang