@omgthatspunny

The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.

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@NurseSeymour

Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.

@KeetPotato

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

@Kryzazy

You ever notice Waldo is always smiling in the books?
That’s cause no one knows where he is and he’s happy as hell.

@prodigal_bran

“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam to Eve on their wedding night

@Daisyldoo

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

@KellyMeldrum

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

@CM2BTTHD

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.