The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
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My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
This hospital has everything
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
He wanted to make sure😂
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.