The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
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You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
A game married people play.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant