The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
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Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting