Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.