Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

wait.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”