The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
crochet youtube is brutal
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.