The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking