Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

We don’t deserve birds.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

I’m not lazy

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.