“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
🤣🤣🤣
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore