“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”