@wolfpupy

the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk

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@nerdreign

When runner-ups in reality shows say, “I may not have won but I’m still a winner,” do they understand how language and/or competition works?

@KattsDogma

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

@carlyken

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

@Jen_Mahabir

If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.

@TechnicallyRon

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

@RealSudoNim

This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

@mugkip

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

@Juan_Incognito

I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.