the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk

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When runner-ups in reality shows say, “I may not have won but I’m still a winner,” do they understand how language and/or competition works?


French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.


“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook


If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.


Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.


This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.


You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!


Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.


WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.


I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.